Pink

Pink

2.23.2010

Just Sayin'...

I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now. The reasons why it took me so long to write it all out escapes me...even though I love to share my thoughts, my inmost feelings laid bare is a trifle more difficult to put to ink and paper. Or keyboard to monitor, as it were.

I have been caring for Hazelnut since October. I love having her with me. At first it was every day (Monday-Friday) and in January it went to three days a week. She is a joy to have, and when I am alone with her, I find myself watching her as if I have never before seen an infant. I find myself wishing that all my other grandchildren were with me, one by one, if even for a few hours...to be alone with them. To observe them. To watch, silently, the birth of new personality. I can barely write about ANY of them without having to stop because I cannot see the keys through my tears. I love them all that much. And more.

I have tried over the past couple of months, to remember exactly what it felt like when I was holding my own babies. Their snuggling, cuddling, laughter and tears. I try. I find it very difficult, even when I close my eyes and see Cheerios or Rachigga or Happy as tiny babies...to remember the feeling. The joy. The peace. That baby smell I love so much. Those extremely quiet, alone times when I would watch them sleep. I do remember a lot of it...but it seems to be fading from my mind's eye. It's blurry...fuzzy...faint.

And then, in the night, as I was crying because of the overwhelming emotion of memories...I wondered where it all started. Where did this rush of love begin? Then, as in a dream, I was flying through my life to that exact place.

I love...adore...cherish...am devoted to my precious, beautiful girls. I am in awe of them as women and wives and mothers. There are times when I pray that someday, I can be as they are...loving, giving, caring women.

But that is not where I landed. It was November 1977. When I found out I was having my first baby. That is where it all began. Making that choice to have the child within me...to be the mother...alone and afraid. It was with the birth of Cheerios that this love began. The first sight of him. Those eyes...so much wiser than my own...he changed my life forever. It was his birth...his little life, that put me on that road. This one single event in my life...lead me to the road I travel today.

He grounded me. Caused me to be so much more aware of my selfishness. Cheerios changed me. Forever. It was a long experience...a long teaching...a beautiful awakening. This one choice...to give birth...put me on my journey to Christ. To my salvation. To my husband. To my girls. This one tiny, little boy. I will forever be grateful...and indebted...to my Cheerios, for "saving" me...for being the son I have always wanted...more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed.

I have come to this conclusion...sometimes, as Mom's, we do not think we are very good at our job. We look at all our mistakes (and with me, there are oh so many...too many to count) and believe we are the worst Mom in the history of the world. But, here's the thing...God gave me grandchildren. And why? So that I can be a better Mom by being a great Oma.

I love my babies so incredibly...its very thought crushes me with emotions so deep, I am paralyzed, unable to move or speak through the rush of tears. When I allow the feelings to come, my innermost parts convulse with rapture and fear and anticipation. I am consumed with the joy of all of them and wonder who on earth is as blessed as I? And still...there is a peace and a calm the emotion brings that I cannot deny, and I choose, once again...life.

2.16.2010

Our New Family Jewel...

SO...I have yet to blog about our new addition. Our newest little bundle of pure, unadulterated joy. We have Bright Eyes, New York, Z-man, Flower, Beautiful, Hazelnut and now...our little Precious. Because that is what she is. Precious. Interestingly enough...my birthstone...is considered to be one of the most powerful gems of the universe. And it is the color most associated with the words "love", "beauty" and "power". Sweet.

Our little Precious will be filled with love and beauty, and as she grows, the power of the Holy Spirit. What an exciting life she has ahead of her. And it is an honor and a privilege to be a part of that life.

And her middle name? Even more appropriate. It means divine favor...and she has come to us in exactly that way. By divine favor. God's creation always amazes me...causes me to well up with the overwhelming emotions of joy, fear and awe. (It's a good kind of fear)

She is a beautiful, Precious bundle of sweetness, and I cannot believe God has allowed me another of His blessings. I just didn't think one person could love THIS MUCH. But, I do. And it's growing stronger and more powerful everyday.

My heart is filled...

2.10.2010

Artful...What?

I am in love with "Artful Blogging". I received my first copy in the mail today. I was trying to order the issue with a particular featured article, but ordered the wrong "season". There is a reason for everything...and I am so happy I made that mistake! It is so full of creativity...beauty...ART. Which leads me to this particular post.

I am so NOT a true blogger. Sad, but, true. I am just not that artsy. Oh, I can scrapbook with some of the best...and I do make a pretty card once in awhile. Still, I am no artiste. I do not have a beautiful photograph, or a beautiful drawing or watercolor (although, I have been "water coloring" on my cards lately...LOVE IT) to accompany my blog. And I do not blog every day. I should. I have so much to say...

Here's the thing. I am enamored by the artful composition I saw in the periodical. I loved the spontaneity...the creativity...the wonder and the beauty of all the entries. Cover to cover. The reason for my purchase...I cannot wait to get the next edition so I can see what my friend wrote to earn her place in this beautiful...exposition of talent.

Summer is just too far away!

I leave you with one of my latest creations...feeble(and blurry)as it may be...