-l
n
)
adj.
1. Being apart from others; solitary.
2. Being without anyone or anything else; only.
3. Considered separately from all others of the same
class.
4. Being without equal; unique.
adv.
1. Without others: sang alone
while the choir listened.
2. Without help: carried the
suitcases alone.
3. Exclusively; only: The
burden of proof rests on the prosecution alone.
It doesn't matter who I am with...who sits right next to me...who calls me on the phone...who e-mails me...who makes me laugh...I am feeling really...alone. A-L-O-N-E.
And it's not really "lonely"...it's just alone. And there is a difference. I know, because I am living it right now. By myself. Like I'm a foreigner in a very foreign place. I am speaking a completely different language than EVERYONE else. Even if we speak the same language, it is not understood. I am not, and I have not been for a while...understood. Maybe it's a little old paranoia creeping in...wondering if I am good enough, because I do believe I am not. And I do believe, at times, others believe the same. Like I've been hidden in plain sight...you can see me, but you can't read me. You know what I meant I said. :)
The words are different. The music is different. The writing is different. The colors are different. Is it a valley? Is it some make-believe dwelling? Is it a really weird dream? What should I be doing? Thinking? Writing? Praying? Confusing...yet I am not confused...somehow. But...I do feel as if I am missing...something.
So, what to do, you ask?
There are just some things I believe we are not supposed to analize or try to understand. And I think this is one of those things. I cannot explain it; no matter how you phrase the question, I just...can't. I'm not worried or anxious or in one of those deep dark places. Maybe I should just ride this out...I would gladly take advice...you know, so as not to feel I'm TOTALLY alone in feeling alone.
"Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,
extol him who rides on the clouds;
rejoice before him—his name is the Lord.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families,
he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." Psalm 68:4-6
