"Carry Me Home..."

Ahhh...it's summer. Finally. Now we can move lazily through our days dreaming of bar-be-que, corn-on-the-cob and Popsicles. Even though I am NOT a fan of the hot and humid weather this season brings, I love the summer. The kids running through the sprinkler, the roar of motorcycles in the distance, the crickets in the evening...the beautiful fresh air filling my house through wide-open windows.

I always look forward to the summer because that's when vacations begin and Happy and her family come to visit for one week. My house is filled with family and friends and the laughter of grandchildren. Oh, that happens whenever they come home to visit, but in the summer...it's just...different. The kids seem happier...maybe it's all that sunshine. And maybe it's because my Mom and Dad are here, too, to enjoy the kids. Yeah, that has a lot to do with it.

So, I read a blog today http://www.karenmaezenmiller.com/going-home (I cannot seem to add a link to my blogs...weird.) First of all, the picture is from my friend Sweet T and it's beautiful...and incredibly simple. The blog begins with a poem by Donna Hilbert and by the end of the brief encounter, I was hooked. I loved the poetry...it so reminded me of my own Grandmother and parts of my own childhood...I think I have found a new poet to love.

I spent many summers with my Grandma and Grandpa...all of them fill my mind with sweet, hazy, taking-it-easy, memories that seem to, quite simply, wash me clean. Take pause...relax...find-a-place-wherever-you-are, close your eyes and remind yourself of some beautiful, peaceful place. Meditate on it. Find solace there. Seriously...take a deep breath. Go.

Okay...you all know me by now...you know that I am a born-again-blood-bought-spirit-filled-testifyin' child of the King. I know this all sounds WAY New Age. WAY beyond what Christians do. I know in my heart of hearts...the deepest part of me...in my very spirit, that Christ brings me peace. That He is my solace. He is my rest. He washes me clean. I know that. And I will believe that forever. Nothing but the Blood.

That is not the kind of peace I'm talking about. It's that...sigh. That...I-miss-those-days feeling. It's the feeling I want my kids and grand kids to have when they think about spending summers at Oma's house. That sweet, special, out of the ordinary place that puts a smile on your face when you are alone in a crowd and everyone wants to know "what's up with HER"?

Yeah, I'm thinking about my children and their children and how much my Grandma would have loved to have had them all spend a week with her July. At the pool. At Bay Beach. Laying on the covered patio drinking lemonade and licking fudgesicles. Playing with Laddie. Those were the days...the lazy, hazy days of summer youth.

Oh, and in case you were wondering...I'm doing fine.

Just Sayin'...

I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now. The reasons why it took me so long to write it all out escapes me...even though I love to share my thoughts, my inmost feelings laid bare is a trifle more difficult to put to ink and paper. Or keyboard to monitor, as it were.

I have been caring for Hazelnut since October. I love having her with me. At first it was every day (Monday-Friday) and in January it went to three days a week. She is a joy to have, and when I am alone with her, I find myself watching her as if I have never before seen an infant. I find myself wishing that all my other grandchildren were with me, one by one, if even for a few hours...to be alone with them. To observe them. To watch, silently, the birth of new personality. I can barely write about ANY of them without having to stop because I cannot see the keys through my tears. I love them all that much. And more.

I have tried over the past couple of months, to remember exactly what it felt like when I was holding my own babies. Their snuggling, cuddling, laughter and tears. I try. I find it very difficult, even when I close my eyes and see Cheerios or Rachigga or Happy as tiny babies...to remember the feeling. The joy. The peace. That baby smell I love so much. Those extremely quiet, alone times when I would watch them sleep. I do remember a lot of it...but it seems to be fading from my mind's eye. It's blurry...fuzzy...faint.

And then, in the night, as I was crying because of the overwhelming emotion of memories...I wondered where it all started. Where did this rush of love begin? Then, as in a dream, I was flying through my life to that exact place.

I love...adore...cherish...am devoted to my precious, beautiful girls. I am in awe of them as women and wives and mothers. There are times when I pray that someday, I can be as they are...loving, giving, caring women.

But that is not where I landed. It was November 1977. When I found out I was having my first baby. That is where it all began. Making that choice to have the child within me...to be the mother...alone and afraid. It was with the birth of Cheerios that this love began. The first sight of him. Those eyes...so much wiser than my own...he changed my life forever. It was his birth...his little life, that put me on that road. This one single event in my life...lead me to the road I travel today.

He grounded me. Caused me to be so much more aware of my selfishness. Cheerios changed me. Forever. It was a long experience...a long teaching...a beautiful awakening. This one choice...to give birth...put me on my journey to Christ. To my salvation. To my husband. To my girls. This one tiny, little boy. I will forever be grateful...and indebted...to my Cheerios, for "saving" me...for being the son I have always wanted...more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed.

I have come to this conclusion...sometimes, as Mom's, we do not think we are very good at our job. We look at all our mistakes (and with me, there are oh so many...too many to count) and believe we are the worst Mom in the history of the world. But, here's the thing...God gave me grandchildren. And why? So that I can be a better Mom by being a great Oma.

I love my babies so incredibly...its very thought crushes me with emotions so deep, I am paralyzed, unable to move or speak through the rush of tears. When I allow the feelings to come, my innermost parts convulse with rapture and fear and anticipation. I am consumed with the joy of all of them and wonder who on earth is as blessed as I? And still...there is a peace and a calm the emotion brings that I cannot deny, and I choose, once again...life.

Our New Family Jewel...

SO...I have yet to blog about our new addition. Our newest little bundle of pure, unadulterated joy. We have Bright Eyes, New York, Z-man, Flower, Beautiful, Hazelnut and now...our little Precious. Because that is what she is. Precious. Interestingly enough...my birthstone...is considered to be one of the most powerful gems of the universe. And it is the color most associated with the words "love", "beauty" and "power". Sweet.

Our little Precious will be filled with love and beauty, and as she grows, the power of the Holy Spirit. What an exciting life she has ahead of her. And it is an honor and a privilege to be a part of that life.

And her middle name? Even more appropriate. It means divine favor...and she has come to us in exactly that way. By divine favor. God's creation always amazes me...causes me to well up with the overwhelming emotions of joy, fear and awe. (It's a good kind of fear)

She is a beautiful, Precious bundle of sweetness, and I cannot believe God has allowed me another of His blessings. I just didn't think one person could love THIS MUCH. But, I do. And it's growing stronger and more powerful everyday.

My heart is filled...

Yeah, You Heard Me Right...

115 days. Can you even guess?? Now, you all are probably thinking about my new grandbabies coming. One in 23 days and the other in, well, more than 115 days. So, no, it's not my precious grandbabies coming to greet Oma.

For those of you know me all too well...I am listening to Andy Williams Red Album right now. At this very moment. It is one of my absolute favorite albums ever recorded...right next to his Green Album.

Red. Green. That's right. Christmas. 115 days until Christmas. Even better, 91 days until I can actually celebrate the SEASON. I am sure it is the nostalgia that makes this season so special to me. It really isn't the snow or the cold...it's the memories. It's the joy that accompanies the era. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"...yes, that's what's playing right now.

And, as much as I would LOVE to be appropriately spiritual right now, it's not even about Jesus. (Because, really, shouldn't we be celebrating Jesus every day of the year??)

It's just about...Christmas. I love it.

The weekend after Thanksgiving (another fave holiday), we clear out the living room...the corner by the window, the tables, some of the pictures come off the wall...even the kitchen, family room and bathroom get cleared out. And they are then prepared for the seasonal decorations. And there are MANY decorations. Because I love them...and because I can. So I do.

The snowmen...the lights...the garland for the banister...the stockings (I'm gonna need two more)...the tree...the ornaments. Oh the ornaments. My tree is very...well...shall we say...eclectic? I LOVE IT. It reminds me of my Grandma and Grandpa. And home. My home. And all of those years we spent away from home. The cookies...hot chocolate...eggnog...turkey. Family...babies...grandchildren...and I get to GIVE to all of them. Presents...wrapping paper...and my handmade cards.

I can hardly wait for the season to begin. To celebrate with my children and their children. To see their faces light up...not just at the opening of the gifts, but at every family gathering...at every song they sing for the occasion...listen to them giggle and watch them play in the snow.

Why is it so different? I have no idea. Maybe it IS about Jesus. Maybe we are closer at that time of the year because of the reason we all celebrate. For me...it's because it reminds me of a time when life was a little simpler, just as it reminds my parents of a simpler time. When life wasn't so fast-paced. No Internet. No iPhone. No Blackberries. No Facebook or Myspace.

Maybe it's too early to be thinking about Christmas. Maybe it's not the right time to be thinking about a simpler life. About family gatherings and hot chocolate. Giggling grandchildren and mountains of wrapping paper. Twinkling lights and decorated sugar cookies. Eggnog and turkey with stuffing. Maybe I should just contend with today. With now.

But, I simply cannot help myself!