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3.25.2012

FLUFF...

No, not the sticky Marshmallow stuff you put on bread with peanut butter...sorry.

F...faith,
L...love, and
U...understanding through
F...forgiveness and
F...flexibility

We are studying Deuteronomy in Sunday School. Today...Deuteronomy 10 & 11. This is what I got: Faith...Forgiveness...Flexibility. God is an incredible Promise Keeper. No matter what I do. No matter how many times I mess up. No matter what words come tumbling out of my mouth, no matter what faces I make, no matter what thoughts are going through my head (and out on "paper")...He is FAITHFUL to FORGIVE ME. And He is faithful to DISCIPLINE me, as well. And I accept that.

I had MANY titles going through my head for this blog...I won't share them all here...they may work for something else! BUT...I believe I needed to choose between FLUFF and "Dwelling on Obsession...My Reality". I liked FLUFF better. It seemed more...positive...yes? :)

I am a DWELLER. Not like a "Cliff-Dweller"...I D-W-E-L-L on things. I mull them over in my mind...rehash the situation...the conversation...the sermon...the song...the, insert-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-here. EVERYTHING. Until it's resolved. Exhausted. Over. Caput. I DWELL it to DEATH! I am certain I hear friends and family mumble under their breath...let it go, release it, set it FREE ALREADY!

Here's the thing. I know who I am...what I am...I know I obsess. I know I can be extreme. I know I make mistakes. I know I need Christ to soften me...mold me...shape me...bend me...I just have difficulty, at times, verbalizing  the need. I can feel the expectations of me. Expectations because of "who" I am...a Pastor's Wife. A Worship Leader. God's Word says that Teachers will be held to a "higher standard" simply because of the calling. A Pastor is a teacher. Right? Therefore, being the wife of a Teacher...there is an expectation of how I should behave. Mistakes I am never allowed to make...no matter WHO I am.

As of late, I have had some difficulty "measuring up" to those expectations and am paying for it dearly. It doesn't matter if the only person who reads this blog is ME...I find solace and slight redemption in writing. So, here I am. Writing.

FLUFF just needs to be my life right now. No matter what I may have done to ANYONE in my life, I always find difficulty in forgiving MYSELF. I think we may all be like that...we are harder on ourselves in certain situations...true? I need to find faith in myself. Love for myself (this is, at times, the hardest of all). Understanding for myself. Forgiveness for myself. And I REALLY need to practice flexibility. There are times I need to "cut myself some slack", so to speak.

God's Word is clear: "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:12-17

I AM chosen by God...dearly loved. I want to be compassionate and kind, humble, gentle and patient to those I come into contact with every day. Forgiving OTHERS is usually NOT a problem for me...it's forgiving MYSELF. I have no grievances...I hold no grudges. And I am INCREDIBLY thankful for those God has put in my life to teach me...disciple me...rebuke me and love me.

Realizing the hurt I may have caused another sojourner is, dare I say it...overwhelmingly emotional. I know I am not alone when I say I have trouble controlling deep, raw emotions. I am usually in a place where, if I do not allow those emotions to spill out, they threaten to envelope me...to choke the very life from me. It can be a very dark and foreboding place; and finding my way out is, to say the very least, exhausting. And I am at my most vulnerable when I am emotionally exhausted.

So...all that to say...I need to live a more...FLUFF-y life. I am hoping the first step is a "soft" one.

PRAISE and PEACE...