Being Blindfolded in an Unfamiliar Room...

God gave me a little analogy the other day, and I thought I had better write it all out before I forgot it and floundered through yet another time of disobedience.

Faith is like walking through an unfamiliar room with my eyes closed and blindfolded. I want to believe that God is at the door waiting for me when I open it, to guide me through. Because I cannot see, nor can I navigate on my own, I must wait for His Hand to guide me, to encourage me. I must be obedient to his prompting, or I'll walk into a wall, or stub my toe on a piece of furniture. I need to be patient as I make my way across the room to yet another room, and so on and so on.

Here's the problem...you knew there would be one, right? I want to peek. To open my eyes and lift the blindfold...just a little. I do not want to wait for the One who loves me more than me (yeah, you read that right) to tell me it's time to see the beauty of the room in which He has guided me. The place He has created for ME.

I have been on this path a very long time and there are times when I am SO ready to be at the end of it. When is Jesus coming, anyway? Couldn't it be RIGHT NOW? It's not easy putting ALL of your faith and trust and hope into some walk-helper. But, I certainly cannot navigate through this room alone...by myself. Without Him.

Every once in a while, He allows a glimpse into the incredible blessing of Him...to see that marvelous Light. How it encompasses and envelopes everything in His path. That Light can be blinding (hence the blindfold) and comforting all at once. And I am perfectly content to let God keep His Hand on my back, guiding me through, gently leading me around every obstacle; even allowing me to choose to "take a peek" once in a while. (Discipline is a part of life, people; and so is disobedience...we all have done it!) His lovingkindness is overwhelming. His forgiveness is beyond what I would care to give to anyone. His peace is unfathomable. His joy is inexpressable. His mercy knows no boundries. And His voice...like a million sweet whispers filled with the most unimaginable beautiful music. At least that's what it is for me.

Oh how I long for the sweet relief of His return...the mighty vindication only His power will allow and only He can provide. I am tired of walking on eggshells...of the "political correctness" Christianity has had to don in order to be at peace with the world. Why? Aren't we supposed to be set apart? In this world not OF it?There is only One God. And His Name is Yahweh. Jehovah. One Jesus. The one and only Son of God. The Christ. The Messiah. One Holy Spirit. The Comforter. It's not Mohammed. Or Buddah. Or Allah. There is NO OTHER NAME to call Him. Because He is not those other names. He is God. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The God of Joann.

I don't want to allow the world, or those whom I have befriended in this little part of MY world, to get to me. I realize that compromise is my choice and I am just tired of saying "well, you believe what you want and I
believe what I want." I don't want to compromise anymore. I want those around me to see my faith. To understand that my faith has a name...Jesus.

Ahhh...I have wandered...rambled...all to say that faith is like being blindfolded in an unfamiliar room. You just have to trust that God will guide you as you are obedient to His call...His prompting...his encouragement. I can choose to follow or walk on my own. I think that being obedient to a God who would never force me to be obedient is the only logical choice.

Praise...Worship...For all time.

Don't Think...

So...I am reading this great book by Mark Batterson called "Primal". It's really very good. I'm not much of a reader, so I would know.

Anyway, I used a quote from him in my FB status today: "Don't let what you think you cannot do keep you from doing what you can." It's from a chapter about giving. It just jumped off the page in nice big letters like it wanted me to pay attention or something.

See, I am on a relaxing mini vacation with my friends. Just for the weekend. We try to do this once a year...the girls shop and watch old movies and the guys go for breakfast and golf all afternoon on Saturday. Not a time of deep thoughts or reflective pondering. Culver's Girl is in her room reading and doing her relaxing devotions and Biker Chick is taking a much deserved nap on the couch about 10 feet from me. That's what it's SUPPOSED to be. Until this year.

I really thought I would write a great blog about our friendship and how close we have all become since the beginning of our relationship and how we love spending time together...laughing, praying, eating, talking...laughing. I said that twice because we laugh A LOT when we get together! And we have done just that so far. Once the guys leave to go to breakfast, us girls just kind of do our own thing during the morning hours and we like it that way. We are all about "we want to do whatever we want to do" and everyone is WAY cool with that.

So...I pick up my book, which I have been reading for a really long time...I think I'm in chapter 3 or something like that. And I'm reading about giving to the Kingdom...all the cool stories about his church and friends he admires who have learned the the concept of giving...you are blessed to bless...and I'm thinking "these stories are so awesome." And then towards the end of the chapter, that line. And because I usually only read a chapter at a time, I was compelled to close the book, get up and stretch and do something all relax-y when I felt the uncontrollable urge to write a blog about that LINE. SO, I went on FB and put it up as my status...not good enough. So, here I am.

You have all heard the old saying "Give until it hurts", right? Well, quite honestly, I do not believe in that. I do not believe that giving should hurt at all. Ever. I agree that we should be giving because HE has given so much to us. Okay...to ME. I know giving is a personal between-you-and-God sort of thing. But, in our little church in The Grove, we really don't talk about the "T" word much. You know...TITHE.

I just want to go on record by saying that the Tithe is one of the most important acts of obedience. I do not tithe because I believe God will bless me, I tithe because I want to BE a blessing and I want to be used by God. Chief is still basically unemployed, so there is no income to tithe right now, but if we have it, we want to give it. And, yes, sometimes giving out of our need is painful (yeah, there-in lies the rub) we know that being obedient is our only option. And that is not always easy.

So, I guess why it hit me hard was because I have been wondering when we would be able to "give" again...out of our "abundance". God wants ME to know that this is all I have. ABUNDANCE. I am SEVERLY blessed, if that's at all possible, and He has kept our hearts and minds focused on Him during this time of "interruption".  Give. And then give more. And as I do, I turn my heart over to Him, growing deeper and deeper in love with Him who gives me more than I could ever give back. This is part of my worship to Him. Honor. Praise. Glorify. Magnify.

Forever.

A Funny Thing happened On the Way to Church This Morning...

Okay, I will need to back up about 30 hours before we get to the "funny thing". Chief performed a wedding yesterday. It was BEAUTIFUL! The Bride was BEAUTIFUL. The Groom was BEAUTIFUL. Seriously, everything was BEAUTIFUL! The weather was beyond beautiful...a sunny, slightly breezy 81 degrees, and it's OCTOBER in Wisconsin! The ceremony was touching and sweet (Chief did a FANTASTIC job), the two hours between the wedding and the dinner literally flew by (great appetizers helped a lot), the food was scrumptious and the cake...MMMMMMMMMMM. We talked with some old friends and we were so encouraged all day. It was a JOY. We got to spend part of the day with my Mom, Rachigga and Knight in Shining Armor and with Photomom, seeing as she was the PHOTOGRAPHER for the day! (So proud of her, by the way.)

Anyway, we left feeling a little tired but, encouraged and loved. And excited about a couple of things. Seriously.

Then we got home. A message from one of Chief's co-workers who was also let go of his position, had left a message on the answering machine. Chief called him. Bad news. According to the Labor Board, the Contractor was not being held responsible for letting them go. Probably not going to get that job back. Then MORE bad news...he checked on his resume for the Government Sevice position, and there, in the bottom right hand corner "After reviewing your resume, you are not qualified for this position."

Excuse me...WHAT?? NOT QUALIFIED to do the EXACT same job he had been doing the last 12 years? REALLY!?!? I just turned and went upstairs to do something mind numbing, like play cards on the computer. It didn't work. Chief came up shortly after, but was tired, and after a few minutes, went to bed. We really didn't say anything to one another at all. Just some sighs...in a very quiet room. I cried for 30 minutes in the bathroom.

At about 3:00 a.m. I woke up and noticed I was alone, and started to pray for Chief. He was up working on his resume. He finally came to bed about 30 minutes later...he had been up since two.

So...morning comes. (I know...I'm getting to it!) Tired and spent, we ready ourselves, get in the car and we're off to church. We had not talked about the night before yet, and I knew that as soon as I did, I would cry and I really HATE crying, especially in front of Chief. So...I am quietly praying, "Lord, please help me to not be bitter or selfish. I do not want to jeopardize what you have for us by being stubborn and bitter."

Literally, two blocks from home...the trees. Oh my goodness; those trees. Bright yellow and reddish purple...Autumn is my MOST favorite time of year...the colors were just brilliant. And I had noticed it the day before when we were leaving for that BEAUTIFUL wedding, how beautiful and brilliant the colors were. To me, it was just breathtaking...the colors in the early morning coolness, the sun having only peeked over the horizon about one hour prior. A stop sign...we turn the corner, and I hear the faintest whisper.

"I did this just for you today."

I smiled a little, and I even breathed a tiny "thank-you"...but then quickly dismissed it. We talked about the night before, I cried and apologized because I was sounding bitter..and not just about the loss of his job or the foolishness of those words written on the computer...but because of some things we had done throughout the past couple of years...were we being punished for being so careless?

Fast forward to 20 minutes ago. Mourning the loss of our beloved Packers :~), I came up to the computer to "play a game" to check my FB...blah, blah, blah. Another whisper.

"You know I spoke to you this morning."

So, here I am. As selfish as this sounds, He painted those trees just for me today. And Chief's sermon? Yeah...that was just for me, too. Our God is AMAZING. And I believe I am using that word in the correct light (yes, BFF?) and He is Beautiful and loving and He loves me and wants me to follow His direction, whatever that may be. So, I will...

"Yes, Lord, I'm listening...I'm here."

Navigation...Good Thing I Married a Sailor

Remember my last post..."Peace and Praise. No Matter What"? Well...No Matter What has hit home directly!

Chief lost his full time job. Okay, I know what you're gonna say..."welcome to the rest of America" and "at least he has the job at the church". Both accurate statements, I agree; still...not being offered a position with the school under the new contractor (whom you worked for three years prior) is, well, not exactly confidence building. Ya know?

We know God has something in store for us. And I think it's B-I-G.

Okay...sort of from the beginning, and from my own perspective (because it's MY blog, and it's all about me). It took me almost EIGHT months to find our latest Women's Bible Study. Seriously. I received this catalog from Lifeway Press that had about 100 Bible studies in it, and I needed to choose something for the upcoming 2010 fall study...and then the 2011 winter study. So...I poured over the lists, read through the reviews, read through the excerpts, prayed and prayed some more. I finally settled on Priscilla Shirer's newest study for the fall. Then, as I went over the list...I saw a "theme", if you will, and chose our next four following. I love how God puts things together.  Sometimes I don't see the bigger picture right away after choosing a particular study, and this time wasn't any different. I thought: "this is a brand new study and I am excited to do something brand new for a change! Someone in our small group of women is gonna need this."

Oh...you want to know the name of the study? Here it is: "Jonah, Navigating a Life Interrupted." Yeah...you read that right. Navigating a life INTERRUPTED!

Almost as soon as Chief told me the news about his job last Thursday, I thought about this study...or God had me think about this study...and how ironic it was. Although Chief and I are not being disobedient about where we are in ministry (like Jonah), or whining about our "predicament" (like Jonah), this is definately an interruption. And we are looking at it full in the face...taking it head on...finding every opportunity to find God's Hand in our situation. Will our lives be changing? Probably. Will we lose our house? Maybe. Will we question our faith and wonder "why is God doing this to us"? Absolutely not.

I am excited to see what God has in store for us as a couple. As Pastor and Pastor's wife. We covet the prayers of all who know us (and from those who don't) that we follow God's will for our family and our ministry. We trust that He will provide. He always has, and He won't stop now.

I leave you with my favorite verse (quoted from the Contemporary English Version):

"The Lord your God wins victory after victory and is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he will refresh your life with his love." Zephaniah 3:17

Peace and Praise. No Matter What.

We have been studying Jeremiah in our Sunday School class...taught by Cheerios...it's really awesome, I love his teaching style and I have learned a LOT!  We just finished chapters 40-45...and something just hit me as we were going through an actually unfamiliar story to me.

In a nutshell, Judah had been taken captive by Babylon and there was a remnant of poor people left there. Gedaliah had been appointed Governor over the land there and told the people to not worry, they could work the land as they pleased and keep what they needed from the crops they produced...life would have been bearable, at least. Anyway, Gedaliah was happy with what he had done and when one of his men, Johanan, tells him that another man, Ishmael (no, not Isaac's brother) was planning on killing him, Gedaliah didn't believe him. Not wise. Ishmael and ten other men not only killed Gedaliah, but everyone in his household as well. They also killed 70 of 80 men who had come from Shechem, Shiloh and Samaria. (Yeah...11 men killed 70 men...I thought that was a little weird, too.)

When Johanan hears about the killing, he sets out with a bunch of men to kill Ishmael, but Ishmael and eight of his men get away. Johanan heads to a place near Bethlehem with all the men, women and children who had come with him from Mizpah. (He was on his way to Egypt) There they find Jeremiah and ask him to pray to God to ask Him what they should do next. So...Jeremiah agrees...ten days later, he comes back with an answer.

"He said to them, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, to whom you sent me to present your petition, says: 'If you stay in this land, I will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not uproot you, for I am grieved over the disaster I have inflicted on you. Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Do not be afraid of him, declares the Lord, for I am with you and will save you and deliver you from his hands. I will show you compassion so that he will have compassion on you and restore you to your land.' 

 "However, if you say, 'We will not stay in this land,' and so disobey the Lord your God, and if you say, 'No, we will go and live in Egypt, where we will not see war or hear the trumpet or be hungry for bread,' then hear the word of the Lord, O remnant of Judah. This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: 'If you are determined to go to Egypt and you do go to settle there, then the sword you fear will overtake you there, and the famine you dread will follow you into Egypt, and there you will die. Indeed, all who are determined to go to Egypt to settle there will die by the sword, famine and plague; not one of them will survive or escape the disaster I will bring on them.' This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: 'As my anger and wrath have been poured out on those who lived in Jerusalem, so will my wrath be poured out on you when you go to Egypt. You will be an object of cursing and horror, of condemnation and reproach; you will never see this place again.'


"O remnant of Judah, the Lord has told you, 'Do not go to Egypt.' Be sure of this: I warn you today that you made a fatal mistake when you sent me to the Lord your God and said, 'Pray to the Lord our God for us; tell us everything he says and we will do it.' I have told you today, but you still have not obeyed the Lord your God in all he sent me to tell you. So now, be sure of this: You will die by the sword, famine and plague in the place where you want to go to settle." Jeremiah 42:9-22 (italics, mine)

Okay...now that I have told you this lengthy story...that is not EXACTLY what this blog is about. At the end of the story, a woman from our class asks Cheerios a question. She states that she understands that the Old Testament is a foreshadow of the New Testament." Cheerios agrees. And that for us, Egypt represents sin. Cheerios agrees again.

And that's when it hit me. Ever since their freedom from their captivity in Egypt...Moses leading them out victorious...every time things get difficult or the path is unclear, or they feel God is asking too much from them, the Israelites want to flee back to Egypt. It's safe there. They are familiar with it. It's comfortable. Like an old sweater on a cool Autumn evening.

And that is exactly what we do. When we pray and ask God to help us in a particular situation and we are harboring sin in our lives...from smoking to overeating to alcohol...whatever your sin may be...we only want God to answer OUR way. If He asks us to stop the sin we are in...and we don't...we are being disobedient. And disobedience brings consequence. We want God to fix or restore or renew, but we are not willing to be obedient in even the smallest of tasks. Why hasn't He answered your prayer? Take a step back and listen. Is God asking you to release something in your life?

You may be thinking "That little thing? He wouldn't hold back His blessing from me just because He asked me to end THAT little thing and I haven't yet, would He?"

What is your Egypt? What keeps you from the full blessing God has prepared for you? Will you be obedient to His request of you?

Or will you be just like that remnant? And FYI...that band of people called Jeremiah a liar and went on to Egypt. And they kidnapped Jeremiah and took him with them. Jeremiah was right...he knew they would not obey...it was their M.O. And they died in Egypt...never having seen their beloved Judah again.

God is a loving, kind, compassionate God. Full of Mercy and Grace...more than we could ever hope for...way more than we deserve. But, He is a Just God. And just as His blessings rain on the just and unjust...so does His discipline.

The next time you want to blame God for whatever predicament you are in...when you think God does not hear you...when you feel like God has looked the other way...remember what He has asked of you. That one little thing...quit smoking...eat healthy...stop watching that program...spend more time with Me. Have you been obedient? Or do you justify your disobedience with: "it's just too difficult to stop that right now, I am under so much pressure...so much stress. I need this little habit. I'm not really hurting anyone."

Peace and Praise.

Black and White and Re(a)d All Over...

That's a line from an old joke circa 1960...something. "What's black and white and red all over?" Answer: THE NEWSPAPER...get it? Oh well...it was funny when I was...five.

Actually, the line came to me when I opened my blog and I noticed that in my tagline, I invite my readers to "...discover the deepest hues of my life." After I tell them that my life is rich in color and texture. Ironic. Because my entire blog (save one small picture of Chief and I) is Black and White. So maybe you will complete the line..."and read all over". Just sayin...

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately. Lots of "stuff" going on. Some are deep and rich is wisdom, written with words full of meaning and double entendre. And some are funny, witty...wickedly creative. I cannot seem to find any of those "things" in my writing right now. Not sure what causes that lack of "wordiness", but I'm looking for it...somewhere. Unfortunately, blog "ideas" come to me in the middle of the night...during a dream or when I simply am not willing to get back out of bed to write. "I'll remember it in the morning" is USUALLY what I say to myself. And of course, I file it away...maybe I'll remember...tomorrow. I hate laziness in my creativity...it makes me see that ugly I-don't-feel-like-it-right-now, apathetic attitude I have all too often these days. I just gotta get outta this funk I'm in.

Oh well...another day...another punch line.

Is This Thing On??

I just wanted to check in. That's all. Just to make sure there is still life out there. At last blogging, I talked about the lazy days of summer...well...

I don't know where June went, but it is now July. J-U-L-Y! What!?!?!?

Yeah, lazy isn't part of the routine just yet. I'm working on it. After we finish painting the ENTIRE downstairs living areas. Yeah. I'll be lazy then.

Many birthdays...painting the dining room...Christmas in July...painting the living room...Happy is coming in one week and five days...painting the kitchen...a trip to the cottage...painting the family room...blogging...yoga...aerobics...boxing. Did I mention we're painting?

I'm tired and I'm going to bed now. Sleep sweet!

And by-the-way...I am STILL doing fine!

"Carry Me Home..."

Ahhh...it's summer. Finally. Now we can move lazily through our days dreaming of bar-be-que, corn-on-the-cob and Popsicles. Even though I am NOT a fan of the hot and humid weather this season brings, I love the summer. The kids running through the sprinkler, the roar of motorcycles in the distance, the crickets in the evening...the beautiful fresh air filling my house through wide-open windows.

I always look forward to the summer because that's when vacations begin and Happy and her family come to visit for one week. My house is filled with family and friends and the laughter of grandchildren. Oh, that happens whenever they come home to visit, but in the summer...it's just...different. The kids seem happier...maybe it's all that sunshine. And maybe it's because my Mom and Dad are here, too, to enjoy the kids. Yeah, that has a lot to do with it.

So, I read a blog today http://www.karenmaezenmiller.com/going-home (I cannot seem to add a link to my blogs...weird.) First of all, the picture is from my friend Sweet T and it's beautiful...and incredibly simple. The blog begins with a poem by Donna Hilbert and by the end of the brief encounter, I was hooked. I loved the poetry...it so reminded me of my own Grandmother and parts of my own childhood...I think I have found a new poet to love.

I spent many summers with my Grandma and Grandpa...all of them fill my mind with sweet, hazy, taking-it-easy, memories that seem to, quite simply, wash me clean. Take pause...relax...find-a-place-wherever-you-are, close your eyes and remind yourself of some beautiful, peaceful place. Meditate on it. Find solace there. Seriously...take a deep breath. Go.

Okay...you all know me by now...you know that I am a born-again-blood-bought-spirit-filled-testifyin' child of the King. I know this all sounds WAY New Age. WAY beyond what Christians do. I know in my heart of hearts...the deepest part of me...in my very spirit, that Christ brings me peace. That He is my solace. He is my rest. He washes me clean. I know that. And I will believe that forever. Nothing but the Blood.

That is not the kind of peace I'm talking about. It's that...sigh. That...I-miss-those-days feeling. It's the feeling I want my kids and grand kids to have when they think about spending summers at Oma's house. That sweet, special, out of the ordinary place that puts a smile on your face when you are alone in a crowd and everyone wants to know "what's up with HER"?

Yeah, I'm thinking about my children and their children and how much my Grandma would have loved to have had them all spend a week with her July. At the pool. At Bay Beach. Laying on the covered patio drinking lemonade and licking fudgesicles. Playing with Laddie. Those were the days...the lazy, hazy days of summer youth.

Oh, and in case you were wondering...I'm doing fine.

Happy Birthday...Happy 25th Birthday...

I would so LOVE to take all the credit for this beautiful woman...but it's NOT about me.
It's about HER.
(Oh yeah...Sweet T...you know who you are! These are still the most beautiful pics of Rachigga...)

Rachigga turns 25 today. A milestone. I have blogged for her birthday before. (www.mylifeisatapestry.blogspot.com/2008/05/happy-birthday-rachigga.html) But today...25 years. I can hardly believe a quarter-of-a-century has gone by. Has FLOWN by. Look at her. Then and now. My Rachigga is not JUST a beautiful woman. She's a beautiful WOMAN. Inside and out. She's special. And creative. Tender and caring. Encouraging and disciplined. A hard worker, a wonderful mother and an awesome wife. Most importantly, at least to me...she's an incredible daughter. She thinks of me. She makes me feel loved and protected. Weird, I know...but if you KNOW Rachigga...she's a protector. She's a prayer warrior and a beautiful worshiper.

Rachigga, I love you incredibly and I am so excited to be able to celebrate this milestone in your life. Your 25th anniversary of your birth.
Such a beautiful family.

Just...that's all...

I'm looking for a picture I took...I can't find it. BOO. I needed SOMETHING visual...to say...

I'm frustrated. I'm prideful. I'm worried. I'm depressed. I am out of fresh ideas. I am tired...feeling...creepy...weird. Something's missing. Get it?



And I wonder. Just...wonder, that's all.


Because I felt like it.

That's Not Yours...So Don't Worry About It...

Okay, so I was watching Dr. Phil today. Yeah, yeah...spare me the rhetoric.

This particular episode was about Inheritance and Pre-Nuptuial Agreements. I don't really care about the pre-nup...it's the inheritance thing. And something the lawyer-woman said. "Intended Inheritance." It means you may or may not get anything. It should really have said: "Ed's money". You know...ED or BOB...yeah, anyway...IT'S NOT YOUR MONEY TO BEGIN WITH!

Seriously...my children know there's no money...and if we get any money...it belongs to US. Mom and Dad. Not them. And we get to spend our money any way we choose. And, in the end...if there's any left, they can split it up any way THEY choose. And, trust me...Chief and I will probably being doing our best to spend whatever money we have on US.

Selfish? Probably. Rude? Not really. I was frustrated with this woman who was really upset with her father because he had invested money in business ventures with her brother, his son, and he lost everything. Including his wife. All told...probably over $1,000,000. Still...it was HIS money. Her name wasn't on any of those President-portrait-ed pieces of green paper. Daddy earned that money all on his own and he did as he wanted with it all. Wise? Ummm...no...BUT...none of her business, really.

I do not want my children to "butt-in" where our money is concerned...and I do not "butt-in" on their choices, either. We all make money mistakes...and we learn from them and grow from them. (Well, hopefully!)

HOWEVER...I do appreciate that my children have been very protective of Mom and Dad concerning some money PROBLEMS during the past couple of years. And supportive. They are the best, and we could never have imagined such encouragement from these fine adults. I do believe we need to look out for one another, offer advice...when it's asked for... and give silent support and encouragement at all times. But, if we make mistakes concerning our money...then we suffer those consequences. If we do something awesome with extra money, and it proves lucrative in the long run...then THEY reap those benefits right along with us...and after, if that be the case.

Worrying about the way my parents are spending "my inheritance" is selfish and disrespectful. I certainly do not want my parents to worry about what money they can leave behind...they should be living out these years to the fullest and having a most beautiful, rewarding life! And if that means spending all the money THEY have EARNED...then so be it.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34

Preach it. Thank you.

Just Sayin'...

I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now. The reasons why it took me so long to write it all out escapes me...even though I love to share my thoughts, my inmost feelings laid bare is a trifle more difficult to put to ink and paper. Or keyboard to monitor, as it were.

I have been caring for Hazelnut since October. I love having her with me. At first it was every day (Monday-Friday) and in January it went to three days a week. She is a joy to have, and when I am alone with her, I find myself watching her as if I have never before seen an infant. I find myself wishing that all my other grandchildren were with me, one by one, if even for a few hours...to be alone with them. To observe them. To watch, silently, the birth of new personality. I can barely write about ANY of them without having to stop because I cannot see the keys through my tears. I love them all that much. And more.

I have tried over the past couple of months, to remember exactly what it felt like when I was holding my own babies. Their snuggling, cuddling, laughter and tears. I try. I find it very difficult, even when I close my eyes and see Cheerios or Rachigga or Happy as tiny babies...to remember the feeling. The joy. The peace. That baby smell I love so much. Those extremely quiet, alone times when I would watch them sleep. I do remember a lot of it...but it seems to be fading from my mind's eye. It's blurry...fuzzy...faint.

And then, in the night, as I was crying because of the overwhelming emotion of memories...I wondered where it all started. Where did this rush of love begin? Then, as in a dream, I was flying through my life to that exact place.

I love...adore...cherish...am devoted to my precious, beautiful girls. I am in awe of them as women and wives and mothers. There are times when I pray that someday, I can be as they are...loving, giving, caring women.

But that is not where I landed. It was November 1977. When I found out I was having my first baby. That is where it all began. Making that choice to have the child within me...to be the mother...alone and afraid. It was with the birth of Cheerios that this love began. The first sight of him. Those eyes...so much wiser than my own...he changed my life forever. It was his birth...his little life, that put me on that road. This one single event in my life...lead me to the road I travel today.

He grounded me. Caused me to be so much more aware of my selfishness. Cheerios changed me. Forever. It was a long experience...a long teaching...a beautiful awakening. This one choice...to give birth...put me on my journey to Christ. To my salvation. To my husband. To my girls. This one tiny, little boy. I will forever be grateful...and indebted...to my Cheerios, for "saving" me...for being the son I have always wanted...more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed.

I have come to this conclusion...sometimes, as Mom's, we do not think we are very good at our job. We look at all our mistakes (and with me, there are oh so many...too many to count) and believe we are the worst Mom in the history of the world. But, here's the thing...God gave me grandchildren. And why? So that I can be a better Mom by being a great Oma.

I love my babies so incredibly...its very thought crushes me with emotions so deep, I am paralyzed, unable to move or speak through the rush of tears. When I allow the feelings to come, my innermost parts convulse with rapture and fear and anticipation. I am consumed with the joy of all of them and wonder who on earth is as blessed as I? And still...there is a peace and a calm the emotion brings that I cannot deny, and I choose, once again...life.

Our New Family Jewel...

SO...I have yet to blog about our new addition. Our newest little bundle of pure, unadulterated joy. We have Bright Eyes, New York, Z-man, Flower, Beautiful, Hazelnut and now...our little Precious. Because that is what she is. Precious. Interestingly enough...my birthstone...is considered to be one of the most powerful gems of the universe. And it is the color most associated with the words "love", "beauty" and "power". Sweet.

Our little Precious will be filled with love and beauty, and as she grows, the power of the Holy Spirit. What an exciting life she has ahead of her. And it is an honor and a privilege to be a part of that life.

And her middle name? Even more appropriate. It means divine favor...and she has come to us in exactly that way. By divine favor. God's creation always amazes me...causes me to well up with the overwhelming emotions of joy, fear and awe. (It's a good kind of fear)

She is a beautiful, Precious bundle of sweetness, and I cannot believe God has allowed me another of His blessings. I just didn't think one person could love THIS MUCH. But, I do. And it's growing stronger and more powerful everyday.

My heart is filled...

Artful...What?

I am in love with "Artful Blogging". I received my first copy in the mail today. I was trying to order the issue with a particular featured article, but ordered the wrong "season". There is a reason for everything...and I am so happy I made that mistake! It is so full of creativity...beauty...ART. Which leads me to this particular post.

I am so NOT a true blogger. Sad, but, true. I am just not that artsy. Oh, I can scrapbook with some of the best...and I do make a pretty card once in awhile. Still, I am no artiste. I do not have a beautiful photograph, or a beautiful drawing or watercolor (although, I have been "water coloring" on my cards lately...LOVE IT) to accompany my blog. And I do not blog every day. I should. I have so much to say...

Here's the thing. I am enamored by the artful composition I saw in the periodical. I loved the spontaneity...the creativity...the wonder and the beauty of all the entries. Cover to cover. The reason for my purchase...I cannot wait to get the next edition so I can see what my friend wrote to earn her place in this beautiful...exposition of talent.

Summer is just too far away!

I leave you with one of my latest creations...feeble(and blurry)as it may be...