"My Heart Hurts..."

Wow. It's been a while. Maybe it's because I live this kind of boring life...not much to really write about. Maybe it's because I am inherently lazy and I just do not feel like working my brain. That must be it. Because my life isn't really THAT boring. It's just that some of the things I could write about, people would read and then some people would think, I am writing about them...blah...blah...blah. Think away.

Chief and I have been contemplating our lives the past few weeks. Not always a pleasant conversation. Sometimes I end up more frustrated than before we began the conversation. Oh WE are okay with one another...see...Chief believes that life would be grand if it weren't for people. Unfortunately, if we HAVE a life...people are inevitable. Life is messy...it's full of difficult conversations, mind altering events, hurtful words, painful thoughts, abusive and explosive confrontations, annoying habits and fake smiles...it is also quite exhilarating. Full of incredible music, the laughter of children and the elderly (me included!), beautiful color, sensational sights, awesomely written words of encouragement, the love of family and friends, the closeness of a spouse and the overwhelming gratitude from one person to another.

Life is not like an Orbitz commercial, chew this gum..."Life's messy...clean it up." Sometimes cleaning it up is far out of the reach of one single person, or the gum they chew. Sometimes it means we need to ask for help. Why is that so difficult? Why do we wait until we are so far into the hole, light is now impossible to see? Why do we stay there? I just do not understand it.

Now...before you all get on the depression-is-something-only-depressed-people-can-understand bandwagon...let me reassure you, I am now, and have all my life, suffered with chronic, manic, clinical depression. So, I do know what I am talking about. My problem is...how do we let it take us there? We know the signs...we know the pitfalls...we know the gravity of it...how do we jerk ourselves away from the pull of it?

Yes...I am a born-again-blood-bought-spirit-filled-testifyin'-child of the King. STILL...Christians do get depressed. I USED to think..."that's impossible...if you have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in your heart, how could POSSIBLY be depressed?? I must not be a Christian!" Which, of course, made me even more depressed...how could Christ ever love anyone like me? Someone who couldn't find happiness if it slapped her up-side her head with a very large brick??

He can. And He does. My daughters and Chief will get this..."my heart hurts" is something I have lived with for years... but, my hurt heart is never too broken that Jesus cannot mend it.

How cliche you say? Deal with it, I say. It's true, no matter how flowery or simple-minded it may sound. Depression is a part of life. Just like the joy or the laughter or the color.

A friend (you know who you are...I hope you do not mind that I quoted you...) said this "There really is a certain beauty to be found, I think, in the shadow. A richness that is lost when all is blinding light. Why are we so afraid of the dark, paralyzed by fear; a learned political, religious, social behavior, or an inborn quality?"

I do believe depression...the times of shadowy darkness... is a part of life...it's a part of ME. And it's there, dormant, for days...months...years...before it rears it's...well...ugly-yet-beautiful head. Sometimes I like the shadow (not in a weird, morbid kind of way)...I can sit silently, undetected for hours, watching, waiting, longing, yearning. And I usually emerge so much better for the wear. It's all a part of this incredible journey...one which I know my Savior will always be on with me. He will guide me through, as always. The enemy means for me to see depression as failure in my walk...I can now see that God has intended me to have times of despair if only to remind me how much He loves me, and how desperately I need Him.

I trust Him. He has called me His Beloved...and I need to believe that this is true. No matter where I am on this road, I know my Savior is leading the way...or carrying me through.