Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

It seems as if it will never come. Tomorrow. I leave tomorrow. To surprise Happy. Tomorrow. Her birthday is tomorrow. It will be the first birthday I have spent with her in four years. She will be 25. A milestone. I remember it.

But this is NOT about me. My Happy. My baby-girl. 25. Where has the time gone? I DO remember the night she was born...warm San Diego. Beautiful San Diego. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. All 10# 4 oz. of her! My first C-Section. All those hours of labor (almost 72)...the surgery...the pain...the stitches...the spinal...all but disappeared at the first glance at her beautiful round little face. She was beautiful. Peaceful. Curious from the very beginning.

Oh there are hundreds of stories...it's difficult to choose just one to share...so I won't. Because they are all awesome or hilarious or touching. All of them. She has that kind of "way" about her. Very outgoing...yet shy. Full of life...yet reserved. She is incredibly smart, beautiful, talented, fun to be around...she can make you practically wet your pants with laughter or cry with her sensitivity.


Okay, I said I wasn't going to share...but I have to share this...we were at a local Italian restaurant standing in line to order our food one day, and there was a family in front of us who had to leave because they couldn't afford to buy the whole family food from the menu. Yeah...you guessed it...she ran out after them and offered to pay for their lunch. That is just how she is. She hates to see people sitting alone in a any restaurant, she will offer to sit with them or have them sit with her. She is the first to offer not only money when needed, but a ride, her time, anything she can do to make someone else's journey a little less rocky.


And she loves Jesus. It's all around her and in her. You can see it. She doesn't need to say one thing. You know it just by being with her. Or by hearing her incredible voice. She has a beautiful voice. Which I do not get to hear that often. I had the absolute privilege to sing a duet with her the last time she visited home. It was an honor. Seriously...you should hear her.



Goofy with her Papa's glasses on!

Dad giving her away on her extraordinary day.

An extraordinarily beautiful bride!

Beautiful with her family!

So...tomorrow I leave to fly to where she is to surprise her for her birthday. And I get to stay with her for 18 days! I will be there when her first baby comes. My baby is having a baby. She is so beautiful. And awesome and wonderful and sweet and HO-HI-LARIOUS and the best wife and she will be the best mom ever... and she is my favorite 25 year old. Ever.

Happy birthday, Happy!

"My Heart Hurts..."

Wow. It's been a while. Maybe it's because I live this kind of boring life...not much to really write about. Maybe it's because I am inherently lazy and I just do not feel like working my brain. That must be it. Because my life isn't really THAT boring. It's just that some of the things I could write about, people would read and then some people would think, I am writing about them...blah...blah...blah. Think away.

Chief and I have been contemplating our lives the past few weeks. Not always a pleasant conversation. Sometimes I end up more frustrated than before we began the conversation. Oh WE are okay with one another...see...Chief believes that life would be grand if it weren't for people. Unfortunately, if we HAVE a life...people are inevitable. Life is messy...it's full of difficult conversations, mind altering events, hurtful words, painful thoughts, abusive and explosive confrontations, annoying habits and fake smiles...it is also quite exhilarating. Full of incredible music, the laughter of children and the elderly (me included!), beautiful color, sensational sights, awesomely written words of encouragement, the love of family and friends, the closeness of a spouse and the overwhelming gratitude from one person to another.

Life is not like an Orbitz commercial, chew this gum..."Life's messy...clean it up." Sometimes cleaning it up is far out of the reach of one single person, or the gum they chew. Sometimes it means we need to ask for help. Why is that so difficult? Why do we wait until we are so far into the hole, light is now impossible to see? Why do we stay there? I just do not understand it.

Now...before you all get on the depression-is-something-only-depressed-people-can-understand bandwagon...let me reassure you, I am now, and have all my life, suffered with chronic, manic, clinical depression. So, I do know what I am talking about. My problem is...how do we let it take us there? We know the signs...we know the pitfalls...we know the gravity of it...how do we jerk ourselves away from the pull of it?

Yes...I am a born-again-blood-bought-spirit-filled-testifyin'-child of the King. STILL...Christians do get depressed. I USED to think..."that's impossible...if you have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in your heart, how could POSSIBLY be depressed?? I must not be a Christian!" Which, of course, made me even more depressed...how could Christ ever love anyone like me? Someone who couldn't find happiness if it slapped her up-side her head with a very large brick??

He can. And He does. My daughters and Chief will get this..."my heart hurts" is something I have lived with for years... but, my hurt heart is never too broken that Jesus cannot mend it.

How cliche you say? Deal with it, I say. It's true, no matter how flowery or simple-minded it may sound. Depression is a part of life. Just like the joy or the laughter or the color.

A friend (you know who you are...I hope you do not mind that I quoted you...) said this "There really is a certain beauty to be found, I think, in the shadow. A richness that is lost when all is blinding light. Why are we so afraid of the dark, paralyzed by fear; a learned political, religious, social behavior, or an inborn quality?"

I do believe depression...the times of shadowy darkness... is a part of life...it's a part of ME. And it's there, dormant, for days...months...years...before it rears it's...well...ugly-yet-beautiful head. Sometimes I like the shadow (not in a weird, morbid kind of way)...I can sit silently, undetected for hours, watching, waiting, longing, yearning. And I usually emerge so much better for the wear. It's all a part of this incredible journey...one which I know my Savior will always be on with me. He will guide me through, as always. The enemy means for me to see depression as failure in my walk...I can now see that God has intended me to have times of despair if only to remind me how much He loves me, and how desperately I need Him.

I trust Him. He has called me His Beloved...and I need to believe that this is true. No matter where I am on this road, I know my Savior is leading the way...or carrying me through.

Forgiveness is Golden...

Okay, so Chief and I are involved in this great Care Group and we all decided that this year we would do something a little "simpler" for our study. We decided we would get a Couples Devotional and come together every other week to discuss what we got from the devo and the discussion question. We chose the Devotional "Moments With You" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. It's a 365 day devo, so we all agreed that once we got our books we would "begin" on October 1. Good plan.

So...Oct 1 is about forgiveness. Chief read the devo...it was good, but we really didn't have anything to forgive at that point, so we did as it said and looked at each other and said "I forgive you". Touching. Then, because HE read...I had to pray.

October 2. Last night. I pick up the book, open it up and low and behold, the devo is about FORGIVENESS! At first I said..."hey, you read the wrong devo last night!" Upon further inspection, no he didn't. Two nights about forgiveness. Further inspection showed that the next two nights were about forgiveness, too. I was not happy! I wanted something cool...something I could sink my teeth into! Whatever.

I read the devotion. We did discuss some things. It was good. THEN...because I read, he prayed. Okay...Chief can be very subtle in his discipline...although I don't feel it was "discipline" per se...just a gentle nudging from God through Chief. Part of his prayer:

"Lord, help us to not think of ourselves as too far above or too sophisticated that we cannot learn what you would have for us in these devotionals." Yes...exactly.

Ping. Ping. Ping.

I knew as soon as the words left his mouth and reached my ear, that it was God Himself telling me that, even though I thought I was beyond the "forgiveness thing", He wanted me to hear it again. I have lived through some excruciatingly difficult times in my life that required DEEP forms of forgiveness, from me and for me. Forgiveness that was years in the giving. And years in the asking. I didn't want to dredge up past things I had already laid down.

Maybe I have become too complacent...too sarcastic in my speech and in my thinking. I need to be reminded what it was like when I so desperately needed the forgiveness of my Heavenly Father. I know I need forgiveness everyday from God; but, I think I was taking that ability to go to Him every day and ask for forgiveness for my daily short comings for granted. I know it's always there...so I really do not have to think about it.

Chief and I came to the conclusion that we just do not need to ask for forgiveness for the tiny, petty little things that aggravate or annoy us about each other day by day. We understand one another. We deeply love one another. We know those irritations all too well, and we love each other any way. We had just felt that forgiveness is for the BIG things. Things that have never happened with us. We know how blessed we are. We know how far we have come. We are so NOT beyond the point that we see each other as perfect...we just know that the imperfections are what make us a balanced and loving couple.

Do we need forgiveness? Of course we do. We give and we ask. It's a rare and precious jewel that should not be taken for granted. I am glad I had the devotional and Chief to set me straight on how far I have yet to go! This is going to be a good year for our Care Group...I can feel it!