Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

I copied this from BDILE's blog...she copied it from someone's myspace. She added a few things to her list...http://zech-n-lily-r-blessings.blogspot.com/ I guess I needed it today... and I can definately take much away because my children are all grown and having children of their own. Some of these things I don't think I have ever done...like forget the words to a lullaby...maybe once...things change as the children grow and become adults, yet, some of these things NEVER go away. I still wake up in the middle of the night...but now I pray because I know that I was awakened for that reason. I still cannot believe I can love someone this much...and hurt so deeply for them when they are hurting. Like now. It's such a deep pain...a gut-wrenching, weeping-til-you-fall-asleep pain. The I-wish-I-could-make-it-all-better kind of hurt. But I can't.

My precious Ra-Chigga. My precious angel-girl. She and The Mighty Hunter have decided to take a break for the next couple of months. She decided. She hurts. Deep. And yet, is at peace. And I wait with her, cry with her, sit with her, laugh with her and pray with her. And for her constantly. Not a decision that came on the spur of some fleeting moment...a long-time aching decision prompted by her passion for her Savior and her need to be yoked with someone who shares that same passion. She is afraid, yet calm. Hurting, yet at peace. She does not quite understand the peace right now, but thankfully has a brother, a sister-in-law, a sister and a brother-in-law (and Chief and I) who will lift her and hold her up before our heavenly Father who adores her. And friends and family within the reach of this journaling who will lift her up and understand her longing to be at peace and to be happy in her life. We all love The Mighty Hunter...our most fervent prayers go up for him.

As a mom...the most difficult thing for me to grasp onto over the many long, yet fleeting years is that there is someone who loves my children even more than I. How is that even remotely possible???? But He does...and I know He loves me just as much, even when I cannot find love for myself...He can. And He will love her through this...and so will we.