Pride Goeth Before the Fall...

...and I am falling. Not too happy about that. So, here's the thing: I am involved in this great study on Humility. As a Believer...and I AM a Believer...it is the purpose of my life to be more like Christ everyday. To be more like Christ. 100% God...100% Man who walked this earth in perfect, unblemished humility. Whose life was the epitome, the absolute embodiment of humility. Me...100% man. To be like Him. A goal too lofty, too difficult to attain. I know it...you know it...still; I strive for it. Knowing I will fail. Because I am 100% MAN!

I haven't really thought about being unable to attain a life like His, until I was faced with my own incredible guilt and pride...two things tucked away in the deepest, darkest chambers of my obviously worn out, dusty old heart. And I just want to THANK my sisters for helping make it this real by having the audacity to invite me to pray for my "old" home. Please, I say this tongue-in-cheek, do not get the idea I think praying is ludacris. Ridiculous maybe...ludacris, no. Oops...sorry, there I go again.

I had believed that my hurt poor-poor-pitiful-me feelings for this place had long vanished. Obviously those wounds were just hiding in those chambers I talked about before. Just waiting to be ripped open, raw and vulnerable. I don't WANT to pray for someone who hurt me. Who left me...forgotten and floundering in an unknown land of new ministry without a shred of respect. "Not even a kiss my foot or have an apple!" Hurt by my old home. Disrespected. Barren. Afraid. Vulnerable.

And if that wasn't bad enough...my NEW home thought I was evil. All of me. They didn't teach us this Pastor's wives school...oh wait, I didn't GO to school. Silly me.

Okay, here it is: PRIDE: 1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. 2. the state or feeling of being proud.
3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

BAD PRIDE. BAD BAD Pride! This IS the pride we are discussing in the study. Not the GOOD pride: PRIDE and joy: someone or something cherished, valued, or enjoyed above all others. That's what WE are to God. Our Heavenly Father. His pride and joy. The apple of His eye. Right? SOMEONE say yes.

There are a few definitions to the word pride. Look it up. :~) There is only one definition of the word HUMILITY: the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

So...the idea of regarding myself as less than those around me (known or unknown) is not a foreign concept to me. I KNOW I am less. So, when I SAY I have "forgiven" a hurt against me, WHY do I allow pride to rear it's ugly, evil head? I really believed it had dissipated. Vanished. Disappeared.

Here I am, like Mephibosheth when he faced David "...Shuffling and stammering, not looking him in the eye, Mephibosheth said, "Who am I that you pay attention to a stray dog like me?" 2 Samuel 9:8 I AM a stray dog. Low, like a snake on the ground. Never seeing the pride until it's almost too late to do anything about it.

I am hurting. I do not want to have these feelings of despair. Like I CANNOT pray because my heart is overflowing with evil. I cannot find forgiveness. Not for them, not for me. So, here I lay...prostrate before my Father crying out in my despondancy...a new song for us:

"I need You Jesus, to come to my rescue, where else can I go, there’s no other Name by which I am saved, capture me with grace.

I have no place to go. No comfort for this 100% man. My pride is overwhelming me. Humility is a distant relief. I cannot reach it. Touch it. Holy Spirit, envelope me. Find me. Rescue me.

"Energize the limp hands,
strengthen the rubbery knees.
Tell fearful souls,
"Courage! Take heart!
God is here, right here,
on his way to put things right
And redress all wrongs.
He's on his way! He'll save you!" Isaiah 35:3-4 (The Message)

So...here I wait...